Watson to Make His Own THE BIBLE Series: NEW TOP-TEN

   One simply can’t fight the near unanimous consensus of world-wide Lutheranism: The HISTORY CHANNEL’s – THE BIBLE is a smash “hit,” and “must-see-TV” for our current generation of gnesio-genre-gurus…and boy oh boy to them pastors love it…

I’m thinking that in the back of their minds they see the DVD boxed-set allowing them a good three months of stress-free Sunday morning Bible teaching.

   BUT HOLD ON for a minute.

   I’ve seen some glaring omissions (Where’s Charlton Heston?) and some outright errors and inaccuracies (Abraham ‘Lincoln?’).

   I can do better. Send me your contributions today. A “kick-starter” campaign is about to be launched, and when I (let’s say “we”) reach $6,000 dollars I will begin my own remake of Holy Writ.  But until then I share just a tip-of-the-iceberg of my nascent research—wherein I present for your edification:

 

THE TOP TEN REASON I WILL BE REMAKING THE HISTORY CHANNEL’S THE BIBLE

 

10.  Woefully inadequate in Proverbial aphorisms…where’s the “nagging wife dripping?”

 

9.    An easy mistake to make…but it was NOT “Fraggle Rock” that followed the Israelites in the desert, nor Mordor they passed into when crossing Yom Suf.

 

8.   Cheap C.G.I. takes the viewer right “out of the moment” when the two “bears” are tearing apart the 42 young scalawags.

 

7.   Simply “inter-cutting” footage from Monty Python & The Holy Grail (French Fortress scene) for the death of Abimelech by millstone was a bit cheesy.

 

6.   Failed to have evil King Eglon (and the actor who played him was WAY too thin) sitting on the proper kind of Moabite toilet when Ehud guts him!

 

5.   Going with Edgar Cayce’s theory of the 2-man Lemurian submarine to “swallow” Jonah was speculative at best. There has to be a limit to “higher criticism.”

 

4.   Turning the wrestling between Jacob and the “angel of The Lord” into a 2-out-of-3 falls Lumberjack Cage Match…borders on blasphemy!!

 

3.   I didn’t see Nimrod hunting anything…WTD??

 

2.   Having Balaam’s ass speaking in a Scottish brogue ruins the pathos!  (Doesn’t anybody remember Highlander?)

 

 

[Drum Roll please………………]

 

 

And the Number One Reason I Will Be Remaking The History Channel’s THE BIBLE…..

 

 

1.   In the portico of Solomon’s Temple…………..

not enough apes!